The Grief of Healing
We often hear the phrase, "the work of therapy." It’s an accurate description. For healing to truly take root, it requires a unique kind of courage. We show up week after week to confront unpleasant emotions, untangle past pains, and face future fears. We invest our time, our energy, and our finances. We give so much of ourselves to the process of "getting better."
But there is another cost to healing that we don't discuss nearly enough. To understand it, we have to look at how we connect with others.
The Language of Connection
In the world of psychology, we often talk about Attachment Theory. Essentially, the bond we formed with our primary caregivers as children acts as a blueprint for how we navigate relationships as adults. While there are many nuances to this, it generally falls into two categories: insecure and secure.
Insecure attachment is often rooted in fear. It can show up as constant anxiety, emotional avoidance, or a struggle to be truly transparent. In these relationships, communication often feels like a lopsided scales—either we minimize our own needs to please others, or we prioritize our needs because we don’t feel safe enough to consider anyone else's.
On the other hand, secure attachment is rooted in safety and confidence. It is the steady ground that allows for honesty, boundaries, and mutual respect.
The "Catch" of Growth
Shifting from an insecure blueprint to a secure one is one of the greatest rewards of therapy. That old sense of "angst" slowly transforms into a quiet, internal calm. But here is the difficult part: we tend to gravitate toward people who match our blueprint.
If you have spent your life in a cycle of insecure attachment, your social circle is likely filled with people who operate the same way. As you do the hard work to become more secure, you may look around and realize your closest relationships are still fueled by the fear and emotional distance you are trying to leave behind.
It is a painful irony: as you get healthier, you may initially feel more lonely.
A Path Toward New Light
That is the "grief of healing," and it is a heavy weight to carry. However, there is profound hope on the other side of that loneliness.
Healed People Heal People: You may have heard that "hurt people hurt people," but the opposite is also true. While you cannot "fix" anyone else, your growth provides a new model for those around you. Your boundaries and your calm can act as an invitation for others to step into their own healing.
New Foundations: As you become more secure, you will find yourself naturally drawn to others who are also standing on solid ground. These new relationships might feel unfamiliar or even daunting at first because they lack the "high-drama" sparks of the past, but they offer a depth of reward and stability that is life-changing.
You Are Not Alone in the Silence
If you feel a sense of loss or strain in your relationships as you grow, please know that this grief is normal, natural, and deeply human. It is not a sign that you are doing something wrong; it is a sign that you are changing.
The transition is difficult, but you don't have to navigate it perfectly. We humans are remarkably resilient and deeply capable of moving through grief toward something more beautiful. The cost of healing is real, but I see every day in my practice how much the gain—a life of peace, safety, and authentic connection—is worth it.