Guilt and Shame

We've all felt it—that uncomfortable sensation when we don't like what it feels like to be "me" right now. It's a terrible feeling that can leave us paralyzed. But would it surprise you to learn that sometimes this feeling can actually be helpful? Other times, however, it signals genuine cause for concern.

When life is going well and we're not struggling to be exactly who we want to be, the idea of disliking ourselves rarely surfaces. But when we're stretched to our limits, that changes. We may find ourselves caught between competing values or driven by survival instincts that force us to compromise principles we normally hold dear.

Maybe we're in an impossible situation with no clear right answer. Maybe our desires are so powerful that we act in ways that don’t reflect who we most want to be. Or perhaps, like Jean Valjean in Les Misérables, we violate our principles to accomplish a greater good. In these moments, we experience guilt.

The Purpose of Guilt

Guilt serves as an emotional guardrail, attempting to keep our choices aligned with our values. When that alignment breaks down, guilt steps in to prompt a course correction and teach us lessons for the future. In this way, guilt is helpful. Guilt is good. Guilt promotes growth.

The Shadow of Shame

But there's another sensation that feels remarkably similar. When we experience it, it can be just as unpleasant and debilitating as guilt. Unlike guilt, however, we struggle to identify its source. It might surface when someone else is upset, or we might sense it as part of the "emotional background radiation" that hovers in our space like a toxic atmosphere.

Why do we feel this guilt-like sensation even when we haven't done anything that violates our values? The answer is shame. Shame isn't the feeling we get when we've done something wrong—it's the feeling we get when we believe we are something wrong.

How Shame Manifests

When shame takes hold, we act in self-destructive ways. We disconnect from healthy sources of human fuel: genuine relationships, spiritual exploration, self-respect, and physical wellbeing. Shame manifests as a belief that we don't deserve these resources. When we treat ourselves this way, we signal to others that they should treat us the same.

Consider times when you've been reluctant to stand up for yourself or ask someone to treat you respectfully. Think about moments when you felt obligated to absorb another person's pain, even though you weren't the cause. If shame whispers that your happiness matters less than others', these behaviors make perfect sense. Of course holding pain feels like your natural role—but it's not.

Ask yourself: Would you ever expect someone else to take on your pain or be subjugated to your needs? No? Why not? Because you wouldn't treat anyone that way. Except yourself.

The Origins of Shame

This raises a crucial question: Why am I the only person I expect to be treated this way? Where does this shame originate?

There's always a story. We are not born believing we're somehow lesser than everyone else. No child enters the world with that conviction. Shame is a lesson we're taught—almost always by someone else who is also in pain. This is why we say "hurt people hurt people."

The Path Forward

The bad news? No one deserves to learn shame. It's awful, unfair, and harmful.

The good news? Shame can be unlearned. It can be changed. It can be healed.

Whether you undertake this work independently or with a therapist's help, it's not selfish (though shame might whisper otherwise). Healing shame leads to truer, more genuine, more connected relationships. When you insist that you're worthy of self-respect, you become available to others in a new way—not as a doormat, but as a true friend.

A Simple Test

The next time you sense that familiar feeling of self-dislike, pause and ask: Is this guilt centered on something I've done, or shame centered on how I see myself?

If guilt is sounding the alarm, a behavior might need correction. An apology might be warranted. Perhaps a relationship needs attention.

But if it's shame, the best place to turn is inward. Only within yourself can you slowly shed the toxic lessons of the past that stand between you and deeper fulfillment today.